Loud and high pitched. Also loud and deep. Even at the age of 6, my voice could project enough sound without a mic in an auditorium that fit about 1600 people. And that hasn’t quite changed till date.
In a choir, or a room full of chants, my voice will always be heard the loudest. This is most innate to me. And the dissonance of trying to curtail it, or curb would leave me in unbearable pain. Like I can’t breathe. When the group consisted of folks who were soft , my voice felt like it had a purpose. It could breathe. Otherwise it was lost in being too loud and singular. I have never been able to find harmony in a group easily. So I never really enjoyed being part of the choir as much as I enjoyed singing solo. But things are slightly different now.
Extremes. I have always been a person of extremes. Always in control of myself, one way or the other. But I have never been completely at ease in neutrality. I recently discovered that I have always tilted my head towards one side or the other since I was a child. Yin or Yang. Left Brain or Right Brain. Never union. Akin to my experience with my voice.
I have enjoyed it. I have detested it. The tone and metal of my voice. In western music, there is the ‘chest voice’ and the ‘head voice’. The chest voice consists of deep warmer thicker tones and is typically our speaking voice. A vibration can be felt in the chest region. The head voice consists of high sharp notes and while the vocal chords are very much at play, the vibration is felt in the head. And this is not a falsetto, which is a lot airier, and without a fulness to it.
Inherently, I have both a deep as well as a sweet voice. However I never thought it was sweet until more recently. I was always put in the Saprano category, throughout choir at school. High pitched tones.
But the deep chest voice is what I used to resonate with more always. A tug of war.
Until my 30s, I did not quite realize that there is something called a mixed voice. Where there is the possibility to create one’s own sound in neutrality. Where the head and choice voice find oneness. Where there isn’t too much reliance on one or the other.
I am ‘Yang’ in nature. Or Pitta (Fire and Water) in the Ayurvedic Dosha system.
Fiery, loud and constantly doing. It wasn’t until 2016 in Yin Yoga teacher training that I discovered how soft, sweet and silent I could be. How ‘Yin’ I could be. And my ‘Yin’ nature started to shine too. Something I had been searching for my whole life. That soft sweet calm voice that made people feel blissed out at the end of a yoga nidra meditation. I realized one thing very clearly in 2016. We are not this or that. We just are.
But there were still 2 sides to me. Either I was Yin or I was Yang. I had mastered the art of both separately. But there was no oneness. Until very recently.
Until Jan 2022.
To know more about the journey that lead to this awakening please read my blog.https://shruthsblog.com/2022/01/24/peeling-the-onion-in-a-decade-from-a-glimpse-of-an-awakening-in-2012-to-a-full-blown-awakening-in-2022/
I have finally discovered a unique sound that ‘just is’. That space of union where my head voice and chest voice become one . And even when it doesn’t , there is no dissonance for me. There may be dissonance for others and that just doesn’t matter.
It is not good or bad. It is not better or worse. It just is.