Sometimes it takes a while to realize what has infact occurred. And this is exactly what happened to me.
In spite of having done yoga, pranayama and meditation for years, I have never ventured out to practice kundalini yoga ever. I have never had any desire to. I have knowledge of kundalini and chakras, and have experienced a few moments of kundalini rising, while doing kriya yoga, as part of my yoga teacher training. I have also experienced a few moments of it in my ayahuasca ceremony. But I have never given a moment’s thought to any of this.
In Yoga, Kundalini is the feminine form of the Sanskrit adjective meaning “circular” or “coiled.” It refers to life force energy that lies like a coiled serpent at the base of the spine. When it is awakened, there is an unobstructed flow of energy from the base of the spine all the way to the crown chakra or the cerebral cortex.
The first time I experienced a more prolonged kundalini rising was in February 2015, after my mom passed away.
Extremely high heart rate, loss of weight , insomnia, a semi euphoric state of unconditional love for the universe combined with heavy grief and uncontrollable energy. Bit of an out of body experience.
Grief created the biggest blockage I had ever faced, right in my heart Chakra. The heart/chest/lung region. This resulted in a severe asthma attack that ended up in hospitalization. I am prone to asthma but had never experienced such a severe case before. I had never been 90lbs before. Also I was on heavy steroids, that put me in the most hyperactive mode I had ever experienced. Everything was heightened. Especially my creativity. Even with sleeping pills, I couldn’t sleep more than 4 hours a day. It was uncomfortable, but truth be told, it felt enjoyable in a strange way. I don’t think anyone who saw me realized that hiding beneath a deep tightness in my chest was a sense of euphoria. After a couple of months, everything calmed down.
It is hard to pinpoint what part of this experience had to do with a heavy dose of steroids. And it might have played a role in heightening everything. At the time, I attributed a lot of this to the steroids. Through all this, the word ‘Kundalini’ did not enter my frame of reference in any way. I did not realize what I had experienced until it happened again recently.
Fast forward to April 2016. A couple of months after dad passed I got all my wisdom teeth removed. And I ended up with an unexpected mandibular nerve injury. Excruciating. Lol, I guess I had to lose all my wisdom teeth to realize anything 😊 And another asthma attack (but not as serious this time) piled on to this. I had experienced grief, but this time it was a bigger storm, with both of them gone, and the most physical pain I had ever experienced in my life. It was different from 2015. Before I started experiencing all the heightened sensations, I had to surrender first. Because I could not do anything. The nerve injury combined with asthma meant, I had to ‘be’. There was just no other way out. I was in bed for days, in pain. All I could do was breathe. I remember crying my heart out and wondering when it would pass. There were moments when I just felt done with all of it. Like I was nearly dying.
Looking back, when mom died, I was continuously caught up in ‘doing’, no matter what, even if it meant I couldn’t breathe at times! Also dad was still around and needed my support.
I am a fighter and survivor. Like my dad. This is just innate. But this fight was different. Extreme physical and mental discomfort meant I had to surrender, be patient, and allow the discomfort to pass. And then one fine day, sometime in the beginning of May, I suddenly felt different. I felt that same unconditional love for the universe that I had felt before. Like everything is connected. Everything made sense. My energy levels soared. My heart rate was higher than normal. I experienced similar sensations of euphoria that I did in 2015. My identity and ego dissolved. Loss and surrender made me realize that nothing is more important than love. What else was there, after all? Unconditional love had been given to me ever since I was born. I had finally found acceptance in the death of my folks. I could take the love they had for me, and expand it to the whole word. My heart felt enormous. I could be in a state of flow with no attachment to outcome.
The sensations lasted a while and subsided. My energy reached a more balanced state. This felt like a real awakening for the first time in my life. I learned to surrender for the first time in my life. I had cleared a huge blockage in my life.
A peaceful state of being in Dublin. A lot of stillness. Less doing, more being. I did undertake a fast which resulted in the ego dissolving, more than ever before, effortlessly. Lots of joy, freedom, peace and stillness. Check out https://wordpress.com/post/shruthsblog.com/600 to know more about what I was experiencing in the weeks preceding the next few paragraphs. In one line, it was ‘a state of bliss beyond the dualistic cycle of pleasure and pain’.
It is in a quiet state of being that I have had a Kundalini Awakening. From nothingness. Out of nowhere. Out of the blue. And this time the universe came and whispered in my ear– This is your kundalini energy baby, it’s time you realize it.
Increased heart rate, but comfortable. Lungs are incredibly clear. Sleeping little, and in spurts, but comfortable. No desire for food or alcohol, but comfortable. A surge of energy. Synchronicities every single day. Manifestations beyond the mind. Answers to questions that I have been asking for 2 decades. And new questions and immediate answers being revealed. A heightened ability to discern. All arising spontaneously. Effortlessly. A sense of divinity within and around.
I have always been intrigued by the esoteric, the occult and the unknown. That which is beyond the mind’s comprehension. I have always been able to see the larger picture with faith, without quite understanding all the ifs and buts and why’s. I have also fought faith with skepticism. Knowledge tends to get in the way of faith, a lot ! However, somehow, faith has always ended up taking over, at every stage. The ego mind thrives on knowledge. And once the ego dissolves, faith shines.
The Kundalini energy from the base of my spine has been able to travel all the way to my crown chakra for the first time, as it has not been obstructed by blockage. And maybe that’s why I realized what was going on this time around. My crown chakra was wide open and shining its light.
No happiness, euphoria or ecstasy, like I experienced previously during glimpses of kundalini energy. Just immense clarity and joy. There are tears, many tears with no emotion attached to them. Just love. And a simple gratitude for the moment. Feels like there is no ‘me’ most of the time. I don’t think ‘I’ am doing anything. And when I do, I smile at the illusion of me. That which is referred to as “Maya” in the Vedas. An illusion where things appear to be present but are not what they seem. I see myself as a character playing out in a movie. And I shall not elaborate on that here. That is a different piece of writing for a different day!
I sense the presence of life force energy within and around me. And this manifests in a variety of ways. Sometimes in creativity, sometimes in the form of spontaneous support for people. Not trying to be of benefit. Not trying to serve a purpose. But that seems to happen anyway, while embodying pure joy and love.
The sensation of jogging when I am in stillness – A moving stillness. In essence, this is the best way to describe how I am feeling. The sensation of deep internal movement within (muscles contracting and so forth) when I am at rest. And the sensation of stillness when I am in the midst of movement. So movement and stillness are no longer two separate things. There is only one.
I have a tattoo that says ‘Balance is Happiness’ in Urdu on my thigh. Truth be told, I am smiling at it now, because it is a beautiful part of realization. Balance requires two different things to be a part of it. A separateness. When this separateness dissolves, the question of balance vanishes. When Yin and Yang become one, it is not balance. It is Unity. When there is no duality, there is no question of balance. Only oneness.
I do not miss mom and dad anymore. Unbelievable but true. I had never fathomed this. I feel their eternal souls that are unchanging and imperishable, with me all the time. No different from their physical form. If anything, they feel more present now. Memories don’t seem to pop up. I just feel their omnipresent love. Only Oneness.
Death has been a frequent topic for the last 7 years. But not anymore. I don’t see the duality of birth and death anymore, because of this eternal unchanging soul that I have realized. I have read about this as a concept and tried to comprehend it better for decades. But knowledge and learning limit us after a certain point. And even experience becomes a cling on. The wisdom gained from loss had become a cling on for me the last few years. When I finally sat with it in stillness, the attachment to wisdom dropped. When I stopped learning and clinging, I realized.
Kundalini energy exists within every being. What I have experienced may seem hard to fathom but we are all energy beings. Anyone can experience it. A kundalini awakening can happen when you are not seeking it. It can also happen after years of seeking it. Maybe it can even happen if you don’t have any faith in chakras/subtle energy points and invisible energy channels/meridians. I don’t know. All I know is that I had never imagined this. But as Rumi says, “What you seek is seeking you”.
I am going to leave you with this for now…
Knowledge is power and can be learned. But knowledge can only go so far. And wisdom can only be experienced. And if you are attached to wisdom, realization can never take place.
Love and light. Namaste.